I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
