I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
