She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
