My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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