We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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