My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
