Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
