I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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