I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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