Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
