I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
