Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He has the fingertips of a God
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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