I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Randomize
