VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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