What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
worst night to have a conscience
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
