my soul wont recognize me after tonight
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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