I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
nutella sex= disaster
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize