apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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