Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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