So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
