Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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