I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
