I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
