i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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