I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
