as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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