My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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