Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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