I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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