I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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