The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
