First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
