Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
