I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
