Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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