I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
