i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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