Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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