I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
