i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
