I am spending my child support on dildos
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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