Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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