so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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