Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
