it was like eating out sand paper
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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