i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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