I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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