we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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