Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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