I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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