I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize