Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sext me about skeletons
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
