I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
