4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
