well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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