If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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