i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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