so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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