I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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