I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
